Jokes & Toasts
An Irish Pub Joke...
An Irish man shows up in a pub one day and orders three pints of Guinness. He takes sips from each glass until they are empty and calls the bartender for three more. The bartender says, 'Sure it's up to yourself, but wouldn't you rather I was bringing them one at a time? Then they'll be fresh and cold.'
'Nah...' your man says, ' I'm preferrin' that ye bring 'em three at a time. You see, me and me two brothers would meet at a pub and drink and have good times. Now one is in Australia, the other in Canada and I'm here. We agreed before we split up that we'd drink to each other's honour this way.'
'Well,' says the bartender, 'that's a grand thing to do, all right. I'll bring the pints as you ask.'
Well, time goes on and your man's peculiar habit is known and accepted by all the pub regulars. One day though, he comes in and orders only two pints. A hush falls over the pub. Naturally, everyone figures something happened to one of the brothers. A group of the regulars corner the bartender and finally persuade him to find out what happened. With a heavy heart, the bartender brings the two pints and says, 'Here's your pints... and let me offer my sincerest condolences. What happened?'
The Irish man looks extremely puzzled for a moment, and then starts laughing.
'Oh, no, no, no! 'Tis nothing like that. You see, I've given up drinking for Lent...'
An Irish Pub Joke...
An Irish man has been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So your man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand.
It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting.
'So... you've been out drinking again!'
'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame.
'The pub called-- you left your damn wheelchair down there again!'
An Irish Pub Joke...
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. Each orders a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and land-- one, two, three-- in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another... the Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, grabs the fly between his fingers and shakes him as hard as he can, shouting 'Spit it out, ya bloody bastard! Spit it out!'
Irish Christmas Toasts
'Nollaig shona duit!'
'Nollaig faoi shéan is faoi shonas duit.'
A prosperous and happy Christmas to you.
May peace and plenty be the first to lift the latch on your door, and happiness be guided to your home by the candle of Christmas.
Irish New Year's Toasts
'Go mbeire muid beo ar an am seo arís.'
May we be alive at this time next year.
'Athbhliain faoi mhaise duit!'
A prosperous New Year!
In the New Year, may your right hand always be stretched out in friendship but never in want.
Irish Saint Patrick's Day Toasts
Saint Patrick was a gentleman,
Who through strategy and stealth,
Drove all the snakes from Ireland,
Here’s a toasting to his health.
But not too many toastings
Lest you lose yourself and then
Forget the good Saint Patrick
And see all those snakes again.
'Beannachtam na Feile Padraig!'
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
Irish Wedding Toasts
'Sliocht sleachta ar shliocht bhur sleachta.'
May there be a generation of children on the children of your children.
Health and long life to you, land without rent to you, a child every year to you, and death in Old Ireland.
May the roof above you never fall in,
And those gathered beneath it never fall out.
Here's to health, peace and prosperity. May the flower of love never be nipped by the frost of disappointment, nor shadow of grief fall among your family and friends.
May you be poor in misfortune, rich in blessings, slow to make enemies and quick to make friends. And may you know nothing but happiness from this day forward.
May your home always be too small to hold all your friends.
May I see you grey and combing your grandchildren’s hair.
'Sláinte go saol agat,
Bean ar do mhian agat.
Leanbh gach blian agat,
is solas na bhflaitheas tareis antsail seo agat.'
Health for life to you,
A wife of your choice to you,
Land without rent to you,
A child every year to you,
And the light of heaven after this world for you.
Here's an Irish toast to your wedding:
May the roof over your heads be as well thatched
As those inside are well matched.
An Irish Toast for a Bachelor
May you have nicer legs than yours under the table before the new spuds are up.
Irish Birthday Toasts
May you live to be 100 years, with one extra year to repent.
We drink to your coffin. May it be built from the wood of a hundred year old oak tree that I shall plant tomorrow.
May God grant you many years to live, for sure he must be knowing, the earth has angels all too few and heaven is overflowing...
May the doctor never earn a pound out of you.
May the good Lord take a liking to you...
But not too soon!
May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
Irish Toasts to Drinking
A bird with one wing can't fly. —said to encourage someone to take a second drink
It is better to spend money like there's no tomorrow
than to spend tonight like there's no money!
That the tap may be open when it rusts!
My friends are the best friends
Loyal, willing and able.
Now let’s get to drinking!
All glasses off the table!
Here's to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold pint-- and another one!
Here's to a temperance supper,
With water in glasses tall,
And coffee and tea to end with--
And me not there at all!
When money's tight and hard to get,
and your horse is also ran,
When all you have is a heap of debt,
a pint of plain is your only man.
Here's to being single...
And seeing triple!
I drink to your health when I'm with you,
I drink to your health when I'm alone,
I drink to your health so often,
I'm starting to worry about my own!
Here's to women's kisses,
and to whiskey, amber clear;
Not as sweet as a woman's kiss,
but a darn sight more sincere!
Irish Toasts to Friends & Family
May you have warm words on a cold evening, a full moon on a dark night, and a smooth road all the way to your door.
There are good ships,
and there are wood ships,
The ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships, are friendships,
And may they always be.
May the hinges of our friendship never grow rusty.
Here’s to you and yours,
And to mine and ours,
And if mine and ours ever come
Across you and yours,
I hope you and yours will do
As much for mine and ours,
As mine and ours have done
For you and yours!
To live above with the Saints we love,
Ah, that is the purest glory.
To live below with the Saints we know,
Ah, that is another story!
May the lilt of Irish laughter
lighten every load.
May the mist of Irish magic
shorten every road...
And may all your friends remember
all the favours you are owed!
Here's to the land of the shamrock so green,
Here's to each lad and his darlin colleen,
Here's to the ones we love dearest and most.
May God bless old Ireland, that's this Irishman's toast!
I have known many,
and liked not a few,
but loved only one
and this toast is to you.
Irish Everyday Toasts
May you be in heaven a full half hour
before the devil knows your dead.
May you live as long as you want and never want as long as you live.
May your heart be light and happy,
May your smile be big and wide,
And may your pockets always have
a coin or two inside!
Always remember to forget
The troubles that passed away.
But never forget to remember
The blessings that come each day.
May you always have a clean shirt, a clear conscience, and enough coins in your pocket to buy a pint!
May the face of every good news and the back of every bad news be towards us.
May neighbours respect you,
Trouble neglect you,
The angels protect you,
And heaven accept you.
May you have the hindsight to know where you've been,
The foresight to know where you are going,
And the insight to know when you have gone too far.
May the saddest day of your future be no worse than the happiest day of your past.
May those that love us, love us.
And those that don’t love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if he doesn’t turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we’ll know them by their limping.
May misfortune follow you the rest of your life, and never catch up.
May you have food and raiment, a soft pillow for your head. May you be forty years in heaven before the devil knows you’re dead.
May your mornings bring joy
and your evenings bring peace...
May your troubles grow less
as your blessings increase!
May you get all your wishes but one,
so that you will always have something to strive for!
'Lucky' Irish Toasts
May the luck of the Irish
Lead to happiest heights
And the highway you travel
Be lined with green lights.
Wherever you go and whatever you do,
May the luck of the Irish be there with you.
If you’re enough lucky to be Irish...
You’re lucky enough!
May you have all the happiness
and luck that life can hold—
And at the end of all your rainbows
may you find a pot of gold.
May your pockets be heavy—
Your heart be light,
And may good luck pursue you
Each morning and night.
Everyday Toasts in the Irish Language
(pronounced 'slawn-cha', meaning Health! A common toast in Ireland, the equivalent to ‘Cheers’)
'Sláinte chuig na fir, agus go mairfidh na mná go deo.'
Health to the men, and may the women live forever!
'Faol saol agat, gob fliuch, agus bás in Éirinn.'
Long life to you, a wet mouth, and death in Ireland